The Filks Page

Filk (n) A fan-worship-inspired folk song, typically borrowing a familiar tune. (v) To sing a filk song.

May Calphas preserve us and Eris heal what's left. Off hand, I can't think of Spira's god for forgiveness is, but I implore it anyway.


The Defenders Who Don't Do Anything
Wolfspirit's Ode to an Ingenious Use of a Quaal's Tree Token
Good Luck to the Party Bold!

The Defenders Who Don't Do Anything

(circa 2001)
Tune for this first song borrowed from the "VeggieTales" silly song "We are the pirates who don't do anything." To understand this fully, remember that for some odd reason "having breakfast" has become a euphamism for having sex; T'Cri is a Skaven monk villain; and Valdek was recently killed.

(chorus - sung by everybody)
We are Defenders who don't do anything
We just stay at home and lie around
And if you ask us to do anything
We'll just tell you.. we don't do anything!

(sung by Arcade the retired wizard)
Well I've...
Never wrestled Tao,
And I've never been to Limbo,
And I'm allergic to T'Cri, and his nasty dungeon crawl,
And I've never cared for roaches,
And I'm not too good with liches,
And I've never been to Sigil in the Faaaaall!
(There are no seasons in Sigil, so that's true all around.)


(sung by TomTom the halfling psion)
Well I've never won a trial
And I've never ruled a nation
And I've never had a DM who was really Monty Haul
And I've never bathed in diamonds
Though I think it would be dandy
And I've never been to Sigil in the fall!


(sung by Kiri the sorceress)
Though I may have missed some dinners
I have never missed a breakfast
And I've never really cared for pesky rules or laws at all
I've mysterious connections
And I don't look good in leeches
And I've never been to Sigil in the Fall . . .


(Sung by Tipic, Kiri's alcoholic pseudodragon familiar)
Well, I've never turned down whiskey
And I've never turned down lager
And I like to sing that song about the bottles on the wall
And I am the best familiar
And I might just flee to Sigil in the fall.

I'm a scaly little creature,
and I'd love to share your beer stein
and we'll gladly stay right here until the bartender's last call.
I'm as fierce as a large lion!
I'm a mighty dragon warrior!
(Though if truth be told I'm really kind of small.)


(sung by Nolin the bard)
Oh I've never kissed an owlbear,
And I do not like Mind Flayers
And I've never subdued Sharra with a deadly psychic "Thrall"
And my memory is decent,
But my judgement's kinda faulty
And I've never been to Sigil in the Fall!


(sung by Velendo the cleric)
Well I've never been a prophet
And I've never been real saintly
And I'd never really managed to be popular at all
But my God has begged to differ
So I'm resurrecting Skaven
And I'd rather be in Sigil in the fall!


(sung by Raevynn the druid)
Well I've never cast "Tsunami"
And I've never started flooding
And I've never made tornados rip apart a City Hall
But I really hate this city
And I'd like to try all these things
Cause I'd like to watch this city sink and fall!


(sung by Tao, the ranger/priestess)
Ooooooh, I don't like fighting Dragons
but I do like fighting Giants
even though I know they are really really really Tall,
I have not once yet had breakfast
though I'm told I really need it
and I really like the Beastlands in the Fall.

(sung by Shara, the wizard)
Well, I've never gotten married
And I've never flubbed my spellcraft
And I often cast chain lightning when I'm up against the wall
And I've never ruled a Great House
Though I think I'd kind of like it
After fifty years of Sigil in the fall!


(sort of sung by Sir Valdek, the deceased fighter; he's the Defender who *really* isn't doing anything, and we hope it stays that way)
Oh I've never shot a crossbow
And I really don't like sladdi
But it kind of doesn't matter as I lay here on this pall
And I haven't got my armor,
And I won't be riding horses.
And I'll meet you all in Sigil in the Fall!


(sung by Sir Malachite, Nolin's undead-obsessed new cohort)
*look of obvious discomfort singing*
Well, I've never met you people
and I never think of Sigil
and this chasing after astral sculptors seems like folderol
But this yamm'ring flame-haired minstrel
knows the way to lands of evil
(and I'm only just a cohort, after all.)


(sung by Cuddy, Sir Malachite's Halfling Torchbearer)
Well I've never swung a long-sword
and I'm not too good with fireballs
and I've never picked a pocket
and I can not heal at all
and I'm short on psychic powers
and I really stink at tracking
and I've never been to Sigil in the Faaaaall!


(sung by Cadrienne, retires adventurer, town founder, and priestess of Morphat, God of Knowledge)

Oh I'll never lift a weapon
And I'll never cast a death spell
And I've never been a proxy or heard Morphat's voice at all
And I haven't got the roof up
And the snow is starting early
And it's really very cold here in the Fall

(rousing chorus as a finale)


Wolfspirit's Ode to an Ingenious Use of a Quaal's Tree Token

I think that I shall never see
A dragon gutted by a tree.

A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Through a beast's once beating breast;

A tree that has quite saved the day,
And makes the party drop and pray;

A tree that made the pious swear,
A dragon carcass in her hair;

Upon whose bosom it has slain;
Showering blood quite like the rain

For dragon slaying remember ye,
Carry a Quall's Feather Token: Tree.

(Parody of the Tree poem by Joyce Kilmer)



Good Luck to the Party Bold!

(to the tune of "Good Luck to the Barley Mow," a staple tune of Rennaisance Faires, which might even possibly have Medieval or Renaissance origins. Typically, it's a build song of many, many verses. You start with one item in the list and each repetition adds an item. Here's the last verse with all the bits in place.)

Here's the lair of the dragon,
(good luck to the party bold!)
Scary ol' lair of the dragon,
(good luck to the party bold!)
It's the dragon, the dracolich, demilich, arch lich,
cockatrice, basilisk, baatezu, oliphaunt, elephant,
grizzly bear, owl
bear, bug bear, lizard man, leprechaun and the brown
mold, here's good
luck, good luck, good luck to the party bold!

-Sialia & Bandeeto & a good sized Bottle of Porto that Prefers to Remain Nameless.

Return to Top